How to Forgive
We all have heard it somewhere by now that we have to forgive ourselves and others. Forgiveness sets you free. Forgiveness lets you move forward without the weight of past resentment.
But how? (Not many people teach you that after saying “you need to forgive yourself” …it’s like they are quoting something from a book but then never really inquired deep enough into the how themselves.)
I tried the writing things down on a paper and burning them…to release and forgive. It felt weird. Almost wrong. And definitely inauthentic. So, that didn’t work so well. (Mind you, my inner twins are master rebels! It’s a blessing and a curse. I need more time to process things and my emotions can be quite big and intense. But on the other hand I don’t take any bullcrap and I’m often really bad at bypassing things which leads me closer to my personal truth and what works for me and what doesn’t.)
Let’s take a look at an example of a severe trauma, because that’s where we find out what really works and what is just a coping mechanism.
Let’s say you’ve been sexually abused by a parent over and over again. They basically ruined your childhood and traumatized you bad enough that you are not able to live a normal life. You have problems creating intimate relationships and your life is overshadowed by anxiety that somebody might come at you any moment. You might not be able to sleep at night because that’s when the abuser would come into your room, which leads to lack of sleep and not being able to focus on work, so you get fired over and over again from your jobs which makes your financial situation very difficult. If you’re one of those who are still able to feel and not entirely numb due to dissociation and/or depersonalization, you are most likely frustrated, sad, disappointed, hurt, very fearful and/or even angry at your parent for ruining your life like this. And you have every reason to be mad at them!
And then some spiritual guru (or whoever) comes by and tells you to „forgive“ and tells you that the parent did the best they knew and that what they have done to you should not affect your life anymore now. It’s in the past. „Release it and forgive your parent and set yourself free.“ (This actually happened to me and it felt so wrong! Trust your feelings!!) While it is true that the parent did the best they knew how to and that forgiveness does set you free in a way, when at that point your entire life is still a mess because of that parent it’s incredibly hard to just simply forgive. (Also, it doesn’t hold the parent accountable for their behavior and what we are learning here is an abusive way of not creating boundaries!)
I used a very extreme example here, I am aware of that. You probably get the point that when one has been SO much violated, telling someone just to forgive and then your life will be fine isn’t okay. Clearly they have to heal. And clearly the abuser has to be held accountable in some form. It’s obvious isn’t it?
But it’s not so obvious when it comes to „smaller“ things. The co-worker who always without asking borrows your stuff, which drives you up the wall. The mother who makes hurtful remarks about why you don’t have kids yet. The parent that neglected you when you were little and made you feel so lonely and unsupported. The sibling who constantly hurts you by bullying.
Forgiveness should NOT be an excuse to not set boundaries.
And forgiveness should not be forced!
How do I forgive then?
Merriam Webster defines it as: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).
The reason why they say forgiveness sets you free, is because you release the heavy emotions connected to the difficult and traumatic event and the person who hurt you.
There are 2 key parts that makes forgiveness easier and not forced.
Understand where the other person comes from. Yes, this does go down the road of „Everybody does the best they know how to“. If they only know and experience hurt, it’s likely that they will give out hurt, too. Finding compassion for that is really helpful to forgive them but DO NOT FORCE IT if it doesn’t feel good. This is by no means supposed to justify their destructive behavior! Understanding also doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. Listen to your instincts and trust that when you feel resistance to forgiving them, you’re not ready yet. And what you need is the second key part below.
Instead of focussing on forgiveness, focus on healing. Here’s an example: Instead of focusing on forgiving the co-worker, inquire why it makes you feel so triggered. Why does it make you feel SO mad at them? And really feel the anger (without acting on it and hurting others of course). Instead of only blaming them focus on what you can do to change the situation and where it might even be an „over reaction“ on your part. When we have strong reactions to little things, there’s often a bigger issue unrelated to the actual event that needs to be looked at and healed - and that’s why I don’t recommend forgiving pre-maturely, because we bypass the part of us that needs healing. When you’re dealing with big or complex trauma, healing will look like really taking loving care of all the wounded parts of yourself, go to therapy and/or work with a trauma informed coach or somatic practitioner. It’s all about finding back to yourself and finding your strength back. Often when we dive really deep into our healing, forgiveness happens as a by-product of our healing progress and our growth. Through our difficult challenges we often find our purpose and that’s when we have shifted our perspective from „this happened to me“ to „this happened for me“. That’s when you become free from your past and that’s when forgiveness happens.
To wrap it up:
We cannot force ourselves to forgive. Period. If we feel that parts of us don’t feel good by forgiving someone or ourselves we have not yet come to a point in healing where we can actually really let go of the blame, shame or guilt.
Forgiveness comes as a result of healing. Instead of focusing on forgiveness and bulldozing the wounded parts within us that are still bleeding, focus on tending to them, healing them. THIS will release the heavy emotions and forgiveness just happens as a byproduct.
Much love and support,
Sarah