How to Communicate Boundaries

Boundaries are important.

Boundaries are self-honoring.

Boundaries help you to align yourself with what you really want in life.

Boundaries exist to help you feel safe.

Boundaries are linked to authenticity.

Communicating your boundaries is super important! 

But HOW we communicate them can make a big difference wether we are more likely to hit resistance or if we experience acceptance. 

Am I communicating my boundaries from a place of resistance or from a place of inclusion?

Growing up a lot of us didn’t learn about healthy boundaries. More often than not it was expected of us to be and do things a certain way from either our parents or other authorities (think of the schooling system) and to ignore our individual preferences, needs and uniqueness.

Once we tap into our healing journey we might tend to swing the pendulum too far in the other direction though. I know I did (and sometimes still do). And maybe that’s needed - there are lessons to learn on the other side of the spectrum, too. But swinging the pendulum back too far can create more friction and separation and pain. And this could have been avoided by communicating our boundaries in a more compassionate way.

You see, boundaries can sound and feel like something very separating. I mean in the sense of separating one from the other - unless we share the same needs at the same time.  

I mean look at the world right now. There is so much division! I would go so far and say that the shadow side of setting boundaries is actually division. 

But it doesn’t have to be like that! 

If we come from a place of compassion and vulnerability instead of blame or resistance when we communicate our boundaries, we have a much higher chance of actually creating the safe space we needed. 

Here’s my personal story:

My partner would often be on his phone when we talked and I would usually get super triggered by it. It made me feel like I wasn’t important enough for him to just be with me, without needing anything else around him. It also felt super disrespectful! I would then angrily place my boundary. I would snap at him and without explanation say something like „I am not having this! It’s either your phone or me!“ or „ I’m not gonna talk to you when you’re on your phone!“  and walk away etc.

Can you feel the energy behind this? Imagine you’re on the receiving end… Of course I hit resistance. He’d either get stubborn or he’d put his phone away unhappily and our talk was ruined because I felt him becoming more distant. Hello separation!

I was speaking directly out from my wound - with all the anger and frustration in my words and in my voice and put it all onto him. 

And when he started to place his boundaries he would do the same to me. Until we both hit rock bottom and I one day cried by eyes out because I was so frustrated about how separating it felt when we placed our boundaries. I wanted him to honor himself and his boundaries but the way he communicated really hurt and that’s when I realized that he’d learned this from me… (I was also the one encouraging him to set boundaries more)

So here I was in my vulnerable place, super sad and frustrated. AND with the realization that we’ve been doing it all wrong. I saw how I needed him to communicate his boundaries. I saw that when we act from a place of inclusion and compassion, the other person will be more likely to feel good to meet our needs. If we try to understand each other and come from a place of vulnerability instead of pushing our way through, we can find connection instead of separation even when we communicate our boundaries and differences.

And when I shared my finding with him, he agreed. We had made setting boundaries all about ourselves - and ONLY about ourselves. We lost connection, compassion and understanding because we tried so hard to place our boundaries. It became a power struggle instead of finding a solution that would meet both of our needs.

And we started to come back to a more compassionate way of setting boundaries and within a few days our relationship felt more safe and home than ever.

What is your story with boundaries?